So, I’m not dead. I’m alive! Thank you for all your comments/well wishes/etc. <3 I’ve been meaning to update in a while, but haven’t gotten around to it til now.
It’s highly unlikely that I’m going to continue updating this blog. Dieting and talking about dieting and thinking about dieting and blogging about dieting made me go bonkers. Perhaps as a different type of blog…. maybe. I will need to think about it.
You know what I realized? My binge eating isn’t actually due to some emotional void or some shit. Ok, maybe occasionally I’ll eat for emotional reasons, but honestly, who doesnt? The real reason: I binge when I restrict my food intake. Bam. Clean, and simple. It’s a reaction that my mind and body take when I diet. I never really entertained that idea, because 1. I figured that everyone who said “when you restrict, you can’t keep it up and then eventually you binge!” were talking about like, 400 cals a day type restrictions. “That couldn’t be me!” I gasped. “I eat over 1200 calories each day! And I’m HEALTHY!” Well, maybe my body thinks that 1500 cals a day IS restricting. Maybe 1500 calories a day works for some people, but maybe I’m just predisposed to binge eating. Binge eating is the loaded gun, and dieting just pulls the trigger. And 2. I never thought that it could be a direct result of dieting, because I wanted to diet AND not binge. I told myself, there must be another reason, some reason that I can figure out and beat, and THEN, I’ll be able to diet AND not binge. Dieting can’t cause bingeing, because I am going to diet, dammit, and I am going to NOT BINGE.
Huge lightbulb: 90% of the times that I binge are while I’m also trying to diet. DUH. HELLO.
Also note that my bingeing started right after I got all four wisdom teeth taken out. I couldn’t eat for a week (omg starvation mode!) and I lost 7 pounds in 10 days. When I could finally eat solid food without fear of a dry socket, I shoveled into my mouth like there was no tomorrow. It wasn’t conscious or anything. It just happened. ANALOGY! My friends have a cute dog named Wash who was a rescue dog. When he was a puppy, he barely had enough to eat to survive. Now, he thinks that every meal is his last. It’s ingrained in his mind. So whenever you put a bowl of dog food in front of him, he’s like OMG FOOD MUST EAT ALL NOW. Now, obviously I was never on the verge of death as a youth, but, you know.
Fuck dieting. Fuck worrying about 4 pounds this way or that way. Am I going to lay on my death bed and think “wow, I wish I dieted more.” Uh, no.
So, I’m not counting calories, and I’m not counting points. I’m not restricting my food intake. I’m drinking beer when I want to and eating pizza when I want to. I’m not worrying about the scale. I’ve stepped on it occasionally, but only out of pure curiosity. It hasn’t affected my mood or my day (Crazy, right?).
And what has happened? Well, I’ve gained about 10 or so pounds and have been holding steady there for a few weeks now. So I’m 10 pounds up from my lowest weight, and 12 pounds under my “starting” weight. I weigh somewhere around 150.
So what does the future hold? Well, I do enjoy my beer and my pizza, but I am going to try to make healthier choices from now on. Water between the beers, and put some veggies on the pizza. =P No, but really, I’m trying harder to eat more intuitively. And it’s actually working this time.
Honestly, I’m more mentally sane that I have been in months. Sometimes I still feel a twinge of regret or wishful thinking when I see a thin model, or catch a glimpse of my size 4 jeans that I was going to fit into. When I started dieting, I told myself, this time is different. THIS time, I’ll succeed. And I knew I would.
Well – I didn’t succeed in the sense that I’m sporting size 4 jeans around my ass. And you know what? That’s ok. I didn’t realize at the time that success would only come at the expense of my happiness and sanity.
It’s just not worth it.
9 Comments
February 3, 2010 at 4:49 am
HI!! I’m glad to hear from you!
It sounds like you’ve figured out what works best for you. Enjoy that beer and pizza lady! Live it up! I know everyone will say balance it out, eat lighter during the day, etc…You already know all that and I’m sure already doing that. I’ll just say that I’m very happy for you and keep doing your thang!
February 3, 2010 at 9:02 am
Hey! So glad to read this! I have been thinking about ya and am so glad to hear that you’ve been doing well and that you’ve realized what matters (not dieting). Good for you.
February 3, 2010 at 9:28 am
So glad all is well, and that you’ve found a happy place with your body, your eating and your emotions. You are so right…that is far more important than any old size four jeans!! I hope you do keep updating periodically, I love your writing and you always make me smile. It doesn’t have to be a diet blog…but if you wanna post some fab recipes you find, that would be so AWESOME!!
Really glad you are doing OK….I couldn’t be happier for you, and seriously…enjoy life…all of it!
February 3, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Good for you! Glad to see an update, and I came to the same conclusion in December. I’m giving myself one year at this weight (155), focusing on my running, and then I’ll reassess if I actually care about the 20 or so I wanted to lose. I’m actually finding nice things about not losing weight beyond the typical stuff – do you know how awesome it is not to have to buy a new wardrobe every season? As thrilling as it is to see the sizes go down – it gets expensive AND sucks getting rid of clothes you actually LIKE.
Seriously though, I love your writing, so you should just morph this into a “whatevs on my mind” blog.
February 3, 2010 at 7:42 pm
YES! I am reading Intuitive Eating right now and I am finding the exact same things. When I eat what I want and when I am hungry I don’t binge. But when I count calories or deny myself what I am really wanting it’s all downhill!!! Glad to hear from you. I’ve been wondering how you were!
February 4, 2010 at 12:22 pm
Soooooo glad to hear from you!! We missed you! I truly hope that you do continue to blog in some form. Your wit just cracks me up! The kittehs would enjoy any forum you chose. Just a recap of your day would be great. We have considered revamping our theme as well. We are so done with the diet scene.
February 4, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I’m glad to hear that you’re sorting things out in a way that works for YOU!
If you decide to blog elsewhere, let us know where to find it. I know I’m not the only one who’d be interested in reading about your ideas, regardless of topic.
February 10, 2010 at 2:29 pm
This post really struck home with me. I’ve had a history of eating to deal with life and I’ve always thought it was because of some huge stressor or some deep seated emotional issue but I there has been nothing in my life that I have felt has been that traumatic to warrant it. It’s only in the past year or so that I’ve realized the diet connection. I was doing so well just a short time ago and recently that has changed. I am not able to be as active as usual and that has made me go into diet mode. I’ve also been trying to eat a way that is not right for me which has made the desire to eat “forbidden” food even stronger. I finally had that ah-ha moment and realized what I was doing. Now that I know what is going on I feel like a weight is lifted. I know that everyday is not going to be the same and I know that I am still going to have days where I feel like eating too much but there is light at the end of this tunnel.
Thank you for sharing your stories and I do hope you continue to blog but understand the commitment and the restraints it puts on a person. I really like what your blog and do look forward to more posts wherever that may be.
February 10, 2010 at 2:52 pm
I hate calorie counting and I hate dieting. You are right. Am I going to be laying on my deathbed thinking, “Man I still have 5lbs to lose!”. Hell no. Love this post girl. I’m glad you are working things out…