SO! Things that are good:
1. I’ve been relaxing a lot.
2. I haven’t been bingeing, necessarily, but I’m definitely eating
more than I should, because I’m gaining weight.
Things that are not as good:
1. I haven’t run in almost 3 weeks, I think. And I’m doing a
half-marathon in 12 weeks. Gotta, uh, get on that.
2. I’ve gained about…. mmm, 12 pounds total? I haven’t weighed
myself in a while, so many like 15, up from my lowest weight (139).
But guys, get this, news flash! Egg nog is SO delicious! especially
when mixed with rum! >.>
3. I’ve been drinking lots of red wine. Also, I’m tempted to put this
in the “things that are good” category.
4. I just feel like I’ve been in a funk these past few weeks. Ever
since I went to that clinic, I don’t know – I feel like it kind of
screwed with my head a bit.
Since we’re on a roll here with lists, High Fidelity style:
Things that were stupid about the clinic I went to!
1. The girls were cliquey and seemed somewhat immature. I felt like I
was the oldest person there. And I’m only 24!
2. Almost everyone had been in and out of various levels of care -
in-patient, out-patient, hospitalization, you name it. Name any famous
ED rehab center, and someone was like “oh my gosh, I went there too!
When did you go?” and then they’d talk about the staff and the
sessions or whatever. Or someone would be like “Oh, that’s where I
want to go next! Was it good? I hear they take my insurance” and it’s
like, hold up, that’s where you want to go NEXT? What do you mean,
NEXT? Aren’t you in this program so that you don’t HAVE to go anywhere
next? I just felt incredibly disconnected to the entire group.
3. The staff members were extraordinarily unorganized. Or at least,
the two I mainly dealt with were disorganized (there were four
coordinators total). They were like, “Ok, let me grab you a meal plan
sheet” * rummage rummage, flip through files, rummage * “I know it’s
here somewhere, hold on” *flipflipflip, open drawer, close drawer *
“Ok, well, let’s not worry about it now, and I’ll get you on at the
end of today” - and then, lo and behold, they’d forget, I’d forget,
we’d all forget, and then I’d go home without the sheet and facepalm
myself when I realized. This scenario happened like, three times.
Lame. Get your shit together.
4. Turns out we couldn’t talk about any of our actual behaviors.
Instead of saying “Ugh, yesterday I went and felt totally out of
control and binged on a whole pizza and now I feel like crap,” you
would have to say, “Yesterday I participated in an maladaptive
behavior and I feel disappointed.” Because we’re not supposed to say
things that could potentially trigger others. I get it, but I still
feel like it kind of skirts around some major issues, and a lot of the
other girls agreed. “But!” cried another girl, “that’s why you have
your own individual counselor, so you can talk about that stuff with
her, alone!” Which brings me to my next point:
5. I don’t have TIME for this, let alone also have time for an
individual therapist. They want me to (and yes I’m serious) come to
this program at least three nights a week (5:30-8:30) – but they
encourage 5 times a week!, have weekly appointments with an individual
therapist, have weekly appointments with a nutritionist, and go to a
yoga studio?! AND find a psychiatrist, if I feel I need one. And all
of this is NOT in-house; I have to arrange this all on my own. Uh,
guys, I work full time. Do you know how much of a bitch it is to get
evening appointments with ANYONE? I feel like the program is very much
geared towards college students. Sigh.
6. The therapists weren’t even that good. I don’t feel like they
offered up anything that I didn’t already know. There were a couple
good things here and there, but overall, I was very much NOT
impressed.
I’m glad I’m not going anymore. I don’t see how this is a nationally
recognized, acclaimed program.
Anyway, since then, I’ve been in a funk. I feel disappointed that I’m
gaining weight, but I’m not sure how to get motivated to diet again.
Or even if I SHOULD be on a diet. A lot of me thinks that I shouldn’t
be, actually. This whole thing is messing with my brain, man. It’s bad
news. I just want to go back to how it was when I first started losing
weight – it was so effortless, I felt good about it. I felt SKINNY
when I lost my first few pounds and was at 155 or so. Now I’m at 155
and feel gross and fat. Wtf.
I’m also afraid that dieting is causing my bingeing, so I don’t want
to diet and exacerbate that. But I also don’t want to gain weight. And
I don’t know how to eat like a normal person! I don’t know what to do.
Why does food have to be so complicated?
9 Comments
December 24, 2009 at 10:23 am
The clinic sounds lame.
You already have everything you need to figure it out. Sometimes this holiday season puts people in a funk. And all the goodies! yikes!
You will get back to running and the eating will fall back into place when you do.
You can do it! I believe in you!
Merry Christmas!
December 24, 2009 at 11:16 am
The clinic sounds like a freakin’ nightmare, and something best suited for a sci-fi movie…ya know. Just lame. I’m glad you stopped going, it sounds like it was not what you needed. You do all the work, and they do what…make you out a meal plan? I think you were way ahead of them with that anyway!
Don’t stress about the weight gain, we all go through funks, and it takes some time to get our groove back. Maybe when you start running again, things will just “click” and it will be easier. I do think “diets” trigger bad eating habits. Especially for those of us who have a bad relationship with food in the first place.
I know you can do it…I know that you WILL do it! We kittehs never give up…never surrender!!!
Just have a great holiday, stay warm, and there will be plenty of time to find your groove!
Have a Merry Christmas and the Best of New Years!
Big Hugs!!!
December 24, 2009 at 11:46 am
Congrats on facing your challenges head on! This clinic didn’t work, but you gave it a fair shot and walked away when it was clear it wasn’t going to help. It sounds entirely useless! MAYBE it’s helpful for girls who are addressing their issues for the very first time, but if these girls keep returning again and again it’s not a sign of success — there needs to be something for folks who already know the basics!
Just focus on having a great holiday with friends and family, and see how things feel in the new year. If you can get a few short easy-paced runs in, it might help to dispel some of the funk, and lower the marathon-worry that the 3-week break seems to be encouraging, but even that can wait if push comes to shove.
Once the holidays are over, you’ll probably be able to sit down with a clear head and choose your training goals and how you want to tackle your relationship with food. It might be worth focusing on exercise and keep choosing healthy foods that fuel that exercise, and just leaving the scale behind for a while, but you can feel that out later.
Thanks so much for sharing. I hope you have a great holiday!
December 24, 2009 at 11:50 am
I wish I had all the answers for you, because if I did I’d have them for me too and we’d both be normal again.
The clinic sounds all sorts of effed up. It seems pretty intense, and I’m sure it is probably geard toward college kids who actually have the time for this.
Maybe 155 is where your body likes to be? I’ve gained 10 pounds since the summer (due to uncontrolable binges – blerg) and my weight has leveled off. I still work out and eat right and my binges are fewer and farther between, but I’m starting to like how my body looks at this weight.
What does your PCP say about all of this? What does he/she think your weight should be?
December 24, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I’m sorry the clinic didn’t work for you. However, I have to say that it sounds like you’re being very judgemental of the other girls that are there and how it’s set up. Yes, it’s a time commitment, but it’s for your health and for most of the girls there, it’s to save their life. I hope in the future you can try to look at it with a different perspective. I hope I don’t come across as rude, I know these are your feelings and opinions, but I just took offense to some of the things you said because I’ve been there. I hope you find what you’re looking for and a program that works for you
December 24, 2009 at 12:29 pm
No worries about coming across as rude – you’re welcome to take offense to anything I say! =P You’re right, I’m definitely being judgemental about the way the program is set up. They tout it as a program for adult working professionals, and yet, expect you to make it to all of these appointments…. which, frankly, is completely unreasonable. Unless I take sick time every single week, a few times a week…. who can do that? How can they expect us to do that? I wish they had let me known about this before hand. They should advertise as a good program for part-time workers.
And yes, I’m also disappointed with the girls. They acted like it was a fun club that they had no interest in leaving. I realize that it’s hard for people to let go of the EDs – hell, it’s VERY hard for me to think, well, ok, no more binge eating ever! It’s scary – I don’t want to let it go. So I understand that. But this was different. I got the feeling that their parents or someone forced them into it. They didn’t seem to want to get better at all. =/
December 24, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Geez that clinic sounds awful. You’re right, it sounds like you’re better off seeking help elsewhere.
And I wish I had the answers, but it took me three years to get to a point where I was a) not on a “diet” and b) not deciding to say “eff it I’ll just eat whatever I want because who cares”. Lots of hard work and dedication and sorting through those head demons and facing them one by one.
Good luck getting back on track for running, it’s HARD during the winter! There are some good 12-ish week programs out there if you google around, I’m currently doing the FIRST one (for my second half marathon, ironically), in which you only have to run 3 days a week (but hard).
December 24, 2009 at 10:32 pm
I am sorry the clinic turned out to be such a bust! Yikes! I am really dissapointed to hear those people planned on going from that one to another. How weird!
What was different when you were in a healthier place with food before? Do you think you could remember that time and that it would help you get back on track? Good luck and Happy Holidays!
December 26, 2009 at 8:49 am
Eggnog is amazing.
That’s crazy that the other girls would say stuff like that. If they already have plans for the next place they are going then why are they even wasting their money and time on a “pre-rehab-rehab” Stupid. That would definitely hurt my progress if I was in your position.
I’ve tried to diet before and it always made me just go crazy with binging so I really wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what it is for you too.
My advice would be to just try and get yourself to eat healthier and look forward to eating better. If you like ice cream, find a kind that is as healthy as you can and use a smaller cup for that.
I went to a therapist and she was so helpful when it came to me getting better (depression was my problem). With your scheduling issues, I would suggest trying to find a one-on-one therapist that you can go see that deals with your exact problem and if that one doesn’t worry, don’t get discouraged, just try and find a different one that suits you.