I feel fat.
I hate saying that. I should NOT feel fat. I am a healthy weight for my height (despite my recent weight gain of 8 pounds), I run 3-4 times a week, and for the most part, I eat healthy foods. I am 5′6″ and weigh 148 pounds.
My blog started as a weight watchers/diet blog. Then it morphed into a healthy eating/healthy living blog. Now I feel like it’s on the way to a disordered eating blog (“dear diary, today I binged again, I fail at life.” “dear diary, today I was back on track, yay!”). I feel like I’m a poser, almost. I feel like I should be spouting praise for Operation Beautiful and talking about how I had an apple and oatmeal for breakfast, and a healthy lunch, and a healthy dinner, and then indulged with a quarter-cup of frozen yogurt which completely satisfied my sweet-tooth, and now I’m going to bed because I’m waking up early for a run tomorrow! Right? That’s what all the other bloggers do. But instead, I’m talking about how I feel fat. And unfortunately, a post-it note isn’t going to make me feel any better about myself.
Over the past few months, I’ve noticed myself partaking in activities I’m less than proud of. I stand in front of the mirror for full minutes at a time. I turn. I suck in my stomach. Lift up my arms (hey, my boobs and stomach look GREAT when I do that! Why don’t I just walk around with my arms above ALL THE TIME). Turn to the other side. I pinch my thighs, I flatten my stomach with my hands. I make little *tsk tsk* noises of disgust.
On a run a few weeks ago, I dressed in running tights and a shirt. Checked myself out in the full length mirror and thought, okay, looking good. Then I saw myself in a store front window as I ran by and was almost stopped in my tracks. I looked…. well. Fat. I didn’t think “Oh wow, I look strong today.” I thought, “Damn my saddlebags are effing huge!”
I recently had a dream that I was training at a track, and ran into my high school coaches. They were having some track practice with the high school kids. I asked them if I could join in the workout, you know, just for old time’s sake. My coach looked at me for a few seconds before saying quite simply, “No.”
“Oh, alright. Um.. why not?” I asked.
“You’re not fast enough,” she said, as she looked me up and down. The implication was not that I wasn’t fast enough, but that I was too fat.
When I walk on the local campus, I find myself more and more comparing myself to all the college students there. “I’m fatter than she is. Ok, definitely skinnier than her…. Hm, that one’s about my build but she’s taller. Oh man I’d love to have HER body.”
The question is, WHERE THE HELL IS THIS THINKING COMING FROM.
Tonight I found myself reading Every Woman Has An Eating Disorder, and also We Are The Real Deal. For HOURS. Really, really interesting blogs. Which made me start thinking about eating disorders. I sighed wistfully to myself. “Why did I have to get binge-eating disorder? If only it was anorexia.”
[facepalm] x 23495843098592
The thought that followed? “Hmmm…. I wonder if I could pull off a really low calorie diet for a while, just to lose these next few pounds.”
*tires screeching*
What the FUCK?!
No, no, no, and no. First off, it wouldn’t work, because I would just binge after restricting. Secondly, even if it did work, that’s SO not healthy. And reverts back to my high school days.
I can kind of see where that thought is coming from though. These binges are so difficult to deal with, so why eat food at all? If I didn’t eat food, it would eliminate the issue completely. Listen, I KNOW that’s messed up, and I don’t actually logically think that. But I’m the queen of having illogical thought processes (always followed up by “Allison, you know that’s not logical.”)
When I was home for Thanksgiving, I went through my desk drawers. The bottom big drawer was filled with 4 or 5 notebooks of varying sizes, all of which said “Please do not read” on the front. It’s the one drawer/area in my room that my mother hasn’t cleaned out. It’s been 7 years or so….and yet they still sit there. Interesting.
All of these notebooks were full of calorie counts, lists of goal weights, thoughts about what I ate that day.
“Skip one meal every day!” I wrote to myself in pink pen. I had a smiley face after that statement, similar to one you’d see after a statement like “Tomorrow we’re going to a water park!” or, “My nails are the CUTEST shade of red right now!”
“Weigh in today: 133.5 pounds. I AM SO FAT. You HAVE to get under 130. Ultimate goal: 114.” I do this a lot, switching between “I” and “you.” I’ll address myself half the time as “I”, but then the other half, address myself as a third person, separate from my actual self.
“Cereal: 150. Milk: 50. Clif bar: 240. Pasta: 200. Sauce: 50. Total for the day: 690. Cals burned: 440. Net intake: 250. SO HAPPY! Just keep this up, you can do it!”
And then
“I ate so much today =( I SUCK. I’m so fat and stupid, why can’t I do this”
And then
“Tomorrow is Day One! 2.5 pounds per week, this time, it’s going to happen.”
On another page later on, I listed everything that I wanted to eat at that time, I guess. It flowed over onto the back page, too.
“Reeses peanut butter cups. Chocolate ice cream. Whipped cream. Bread with butter. Bread with olive oil. Brownies. Pizza with extra cheese. Tortellini. Fettuccine alfredo. Mars bars.”
In another notebook, I had clippings of Kate Moss.
Sigh.
I bring all of this up because these feelings of “being fat” are so very high school to me. Why am I backtracking like this? It’s almost like a relapse.
The fact that I entertained the idea of a very low calorie diet scares me. I would never be able to do it, I realize (because of my bingeing), and that scares me too, a bit. It reinforced the feeling of OMG FAILURE on me.”Maybe I could do -” “Nuh uh, you could never do that, failface! You FAIL!”
I also realized today that I really don’t think I could just eat normally right now if I wanted to. If I give myself permission to not diet, then I’ll just binge. If I tell myself not to binge, well then I’ll diet.
I don’t know how a simple weight watchers diet got so out of control, but it’s not ok.
I think I will call that ED clinic back tomorrow after all.
12 Comments
December 7, 2009 at 7:35 am
I like that last line. I think that is a good idea.
December 7, 2009 at 7:48 am
Don’t feel like you have to fit the stereotypical “healthy blogger” role. Those girls must be so stressed out about their food. It seems like they are trying so hard to appear healthy. I wonder how real it is. (and btw, OB doesn’t make me feel better either)
I have had moments like this. After a binge, I won’t eat for a day. Then I will binge the next day. Back and forth. You are not alone! There are other people who struggle with this, and the clinic WILL be able to help you!
December 7, 2009 at 7:53 am
I love your honesty. I know how you feel. I am the queen of illogical thinking too…it’s hard habbit to break, if you can call it that.
Good luck with the ED clinic.
December 7, 2009 at 9:07 am
I relate to a lot of things in this post. I often wonder if blogging is healthy for me at all. I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others and it brought right back to being in high school again. I’ve limited the number of blogs I read in an effort to correct this behavior.
Good luck with the clinic.
December 7, 2009 at 9:15 am
Hey lady. I think more and more we’ve been realizing that we need to be ourselves and not fit in to the pressures (so often self-imposed) of the healthy living blog world. I read your blog because its funny, refreshing, and HONEST. You are beautiful and strong and you definitely deserve to be happy and healthy. Good luck!
December 7, 2009 at 10:02 am
i think its important that you are honest with yourself about your struggles. i’ve been there, too. i’ve thought all the same things you wrote about in this post (before i started to blog). i think its part of the first steps to finding a solution to our (and i say that collectively, as a society) obsessed with the thin ideal. i wish you the best… i know its hard, but you can do it. and trust me, its worth it.
December 7, 2009 at 11:31 am
But I’m really glad that you’re going to call that clinic. You deserve to be happy…not spending your time worrying about all of this stuff. I have similar notebooks where I wrote for pages about hating my body, limiting my calories, and dreaming of being happy and THIN. While I remember where I came from, I am SO glad that I’m not that girl anymore.
You can change for the better. You deserve more positive thoughts and an increased self-esteem!!!
December 7, 2009 at 11:44 am
You know what I love about your blog? You’re honest. I appreciate that over “I’m going for a run tomorrow/look at my healthy breakfast”. Only do what makes you happy. I’m glad you are going to call the clinic. It might just be the thing you need to make everything all better.
December 7, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Truth be known, I’ve all these thoughts, or ones very similar. We all strive to be the “perfect” size, and learning to love yourself, and your flaws is tough, and not something that just happens because you put it on a post it note. Calling the clinic was the right thing to do. Hang in there Allison, you are already doing so much that is RIGHT, that just getting your mind in with the rest of your healthy habits will help tremendously. Just think of it as one more step on the path to the true you!
Good luck at the clinic!!!
OH, and don’t compare yourself to other seemingly “perfect” bloggers. I take a lot of the pollyanna talk as rubbish, as I don’t think they are posting the truth most times. No one is THAT perfect…(skeptical kitteh, is….skeptical)
December 7, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Hang in there, Allison! You will make the right choice, I’m sure of that!
I read your blog because you are NOT like other bloggers! You are real, you are very funny and you are very intelligent. I learn a lot reading here!
I know it’s hard not to compare yourself to others but try to imagine a world where everyone was exactly the same. Pretty boring. We are all different, we should be different, it’s just hard to celebrate our differences sometimes.
xoxo
December 7, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Heh, last week I posted on how to smoke and run at the same time, so I’m with you on the “not a typical health blogger”. And I’m in the same place with my weight. I’m 154-ish, 5′5″, kinda ridiculously muscular for a chick, and all I can focus on is that damn pooch underneath my belly button that just won’t effing go away and the last 20 lbs I want to lose that is not coming off no matter HOW REASONABLY I’M EATING *sigh*. At 265 lbs, I NEVER thought I would still have body issues 110-115 lbs later. But I do. Going from a size 22-24 to a size 6-8 apparently isn’t enough for me. So it’s good to know you are human just like the rest of us, hehe.
I remember thinking when I was younger, that I wished I had the willpower to be anorexic. Terrible, huh? Glad now I didn’t!
December 7, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Its funny because I read other blogs to figure out what is for dinner, get a good laugh, learn something new – I have never found myself comparing my meal with another blogger’s meal – seriously, why? I save that for skinnier friends, co-workers, and fellow runners.
Part of criticizing ourselves and “competing” with others is healthy — it encourages us to better ourselves, challenge ourselves — but you’re right when it gets all consuming, it can be downright dangerous to your health.
When I started my blog, I realized it has helped me really LOVE food. I get so excited by being able to share my recipes, and JOY for food with the rest of the world — not to brag about how healthy my lunch was. Yuck. When I eat really unhealthy stuff (which I do all the time), part of the reason I don’t normally post about it is for several reasons:
1. It probably occurred at 2 am on a Saturday on my way home from the bars – it was probably from my favorite late night pizza joint – I probably even ordered 3 slices – I probably wouldn’t have really remembered it had it not been for pizza boxes (hence no way to really talk about it or take a photo)
2. It was probably a rather embarrassing meal creation – maybe I should post those – I’ll have my 10 minutes of fame on This is Why Your Fat
3. Because I’m a girl and I never want anyone to think I have ever been able to eat a whole bag of Cheeto’s in bed by myself
Anyway, great post. You got me thinking – maybe time to turn this into a post.