Last night, after I wrote that post, I didn’t eat anything else. I had tea, and then went to bed. So proud! That’s the first time in a LONG time that I’ve been able to stop a binge in its tracks.
I feel kind of weird today, though. Sort of empty. When I overeat, it releases all these soothing, numbing reactions inside my brain – and last night and today, I didn’t have that, because I didn’t binge. I just felt cranky and irritable and I wasn’t able to/didn’t fix it with food. So where does that leave me today? Well, I don’t know. I certainly feel much less guilty than I would have if I had given into the urge, although I DO still feel a little guilty. Case in point: after a night of overeating, I typically wake up the next morning with plans to get back on track, but instead, eat everything and anything before noon, and then continue in that fashion for the rest of the day/week. Today I woke up, and it was as though I went on auto pilot. I was thinking subconsciously, “well, I messed up yesterday [even though I didn't, actually], so I might as well keep on messing up.” I ate a pumpkin muffin (3 pts) and then made a huge bowl of pumpkin oats (1/2 c. oatmeal, 1/2 c. skim milk, 1/4c. pumpkin, TWO tablespoons of almond butter, and about 1/3 c. granola, and a bit of agave, all mixed together) which in total was 11 points. So I’ve had 14 points and that’s all before noon. Buhhhh.
I mean, here are the good things:
1. I recognize that I went on auto-pilot, and I’m not going to keep doing that today. I’ve got a cup of coffee and I’m out of the kitchen. Good.
2. My “auto-pilot omg eateateat” this morning was, um, a bowl of OATMEAL. Not pancakes dripping with butter and syrup, or an omelet with cheese and sausage and bacon, it was freaking oatmeal. With high fiber, low fat pumpkin, and SKIM milk. I gotta cut myself some slack.
3. The good thing about the oatmeal is that it will keep me full for a while, I hope. And I’ll have lots of low point veggies for dinner.
I’m trying really hard to give myself credit and pat myself on the back and all that, but it’s TOUGH. There’s this little voice in my head that keeps screaming “you screwed up! you screwed up! you didn’t stick to 21 points yesterday! you screwed up!” I will punt you, little voice, if you don’t shove it.
Another good/bad thing today: I’m not running because my hamstrings are SO sore. I don’t know if it was because of my fartlek run two days ago, or if it was because of the strength training I did (upper body and lower body, too – lunges and squats and such), but OW. They’re so tight and sore, and I’m hesitant to go out and run. I’m 90% certain I’m not going to run today, which is 1. good, because my body is telling me to take it easy, and 2. bad, because running always jump starts my motivation to eat well and be on track and all, I think a little shove in that direction wouldn’t be a bad idea at the moment. I might stretch a bit and see how I feel afterwards.
For now, I’m going to chill out and keep staying out of the kitchen.
8 Comments
November 21, 2009 at 2:56 pm
I have to say you have a good attitude and seem to be doing a great job at analyzing and recognizing your feelings. Keep it up
Also, you haven’t “messed up” anything. I know that way of thinking though and it’s hard to break free of it and stop the negative talk. The thing to keep in mind is that your well within your points for the day. If you get hungry, munch on healthy things like fruit, veggies, and soup until dinner. If you go over your points a little, oh well, make up for it another day. Keep your positive attitude!
November 21, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Sorry for the double commenting, I forgot to include this in my comment:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caturday/the-very-best-of-cats-chillin/
Your welcome
November 21, 2009 at 6:34 pm
It passed midnight here and I’m having a bingeful day behind me. I’m hesitant to go to sleep because I should compensate tomorrow for today’s mess, but I know it’s a vicious circle and I feel the exact same way you wrote here. Anyway, your post was much needed in my situation right now.
Damn these things. Seriously, we all do our bests, basically following healthy lifestyles, but where the hell these impulses are coming from all the time??
November 22, 2009 at 2:50 pm
i think you are doing a good job today realiing that you did not in fact mess everything up and do not need to keep on eating. oatmeal IS good for you and should keep you full for a while. Plus in the whole scheme of things eating 14 points before noon isn’t the end of the world. I hope that you are doing well on this Sunday! Thanks for being so honest in these last few posts!
November 22, 2009 at 11:26 pm
The important part is that you are aware and while it is frustrating, you are nourishing yourself with healthy foods. Keep your chin up, girl!
November 23, 2009 at 6:36 am
Since you’re having trouble patting yourself on the back, I will. I think you did great. Not only because you didn’t binge, but because you are becoming more conscious of what you do and when you do it. You’ll get there. It may bot feel like it, but you’re already well on your way!
November 23, 2009 at 11:51 am
Good job for becomming more aware. You can do it!
November 24, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I’m glad to read that you were able to find a positive after yesterday. Being aware of your actions and reactions are the biggest steps toward making positive changes!
Even if you’re too sore to run, there are plenty of other things you can do. Try a yoga session. That way you’ll get in some stretching time and might also break a sweat. Or go to Operation Beautiful’s site and remember that you are amazing!!!