Balance in Bites

Why am I so freaking CRANKY today?! Someone, kick me. Shake me. Help me. I feel like I’m about to snap in half, and I don’t know why.

I just snapped at Pete for no good reason (edit: I also just apologized). Then, he was like “Hey, Allison?” from across the room to ask me something completely innocent and I heaved this HUMONGOUS sigh and was like “WHAT.” (edit: I also apologized for that too). NOT COOL. The poor guy. Thankfully he’s a complete sweetheart about it.

Also, I feel like going into the kitchen, right now, and shoving anything and everything into my mouth. I already have, a bit, but I really need to stop before I take it any further. Hence, me writing this post. REMEMBER PRIORITIES!

What I have had so far today (just so I can have a tally of how much I’m in the hole):

Breakfast:

yogurt (2 pts)

nonfat cottage cheese (1 pt)

pomegranate (1 pt)

granola (2 pts)

Total: 6 pts

Lunch:

banana (1.5 pts)

Nutridel cookie (1 pt)

Odwalla bar (4 pts)

Total: 6.5

Not the most nutritionally sound lunch, but I grabbed it quick on my way out the door rather than preparing something more put together. I also ate my entire lunch before lunch time. This is not a good sign for me. Whenever I do this, I know I’m in a snacky/bingey mood. Not a good omen for things to come. But I was determined to stay on track, so I messaged Ashley on gmail chat and got a little pep talk about lunch. With some help from her, I decided to head over to CVS and bypass any kind of bad snack food/candy/junk that I saw, and get a 1 point snack (Campbells soup-to-go!), so that I would actually have something to eat during my 1-2pm lunch break. Walking into CVS while in a binge mood was like…. tempting cookie monster. With cookies. (IM SO POIGNANT.) But I went in and walked out with some soda water and 1 pt chicken noodle soup. Victory!

chicken soup (1 pt)

And then, when I got home (let’s see if I remember everything):

yogurt (2 pts)

granola (2 pts)

almond butter (2 pts)

deviled eggs (5 pts)

MORE yogurt (I know, ridiculous) (1 pt)

MORE pomegranate (I know.) (1 pt)

MORE granola (yeah.) (1 pt)

cottage cheese (1 pt)

MORE pomegranate (the last of it, I swear) (1 pt)

…..MORE granola (3 pts)

milk (1 pt)

almond butter (2 pts)

….and I think that’s it. I think. I’m also drinking a diet Dr. Pepper (ZERO POINTS YAY.)

Total for the day: 35.5 points. Which means I used 14.5 weeklies. Definitely fine (well, *logically* it’s fine, but in my head I’m like “YOU SCREWED UP, IDIOT” ugh – need to get rid of that negative mental talk. Side note: some people call themselves “fat” in their heads when they screw up, but I never do that. Instead, my mental self tells me I’m an idiot and a moron. I’ll always call myself stupid before I call myself fat. It’s interesting, and somewhat concerning, because I should have a lot more faith in my brain and intellect – anyway, I digress), but I’m fighting the urge to go grab more food as we speak. Oh, the things I could eat…. toasted arnold thins with peanut butter… applesauce and cranberries put in the blender to make cran-applesauce… another bowl of granola with milk…. multiple pumpkin muffins…with real butter!…. oatmeal with bananas and brown sugar…. I could even bake banana bread!…. or make some couscous with feta….ugh. Must. Stop.

*whimper*

Funny though, that I really only crave healthy foods. I’m not really necessarily jonesing for doritos, or McDonald’s, or Ben & Jerry’s. I mean, I’ll be honest, if I completely gave into this urge right now, and someone plopped down a pint of Phish Food in front of me, would I eat it? You’re goddamn right I would. But I’d also be content shoveling mass amounts of granola and cereal and bananas and oatmeal into my mouth. Huh. I guess that’s a good thing, right? Baby steps!

The real question is, WHY do I feel like this? Why now? Why today? Today is Friday – I’m supposed to be completely relaxed, and happy that I can relax for the next couple days. I’ve even gotten some stressful things out of the way this week – I finally figured out what I’m getting Pete for his birthday coming up (can’t tell you what, because he reads this, but rest assured it’s totally awesome), and I got a bit of Christmas shopping done for my family (ordered a few things online that happened to be on sale). I got paid today, so that’s a bit more money in my bank account. And I have nothing to do tonight. I purposely planned nothing, because I’m fairly exhausted and really just need some time to decompress after this week.

Ok, so let’s think. What COULD be the reason I feel like this? Well, I’m tired, that’s for sure. I’ve also got my period (TMI? We all get it once a month. Whatever), so that could be affecting me too. Although I’ve gotten binge urges when I don’t have my period, so I don’t think it’s solely related to that. The holidays are coming soon, and I always freak out in odd, subtle ways when I have to go home to the house I grew up in, so that might be it as well. I just hate going back to those high school days/memories/mentality. It’s weird. I don’t like it. Which is kind of sad, because coming home should feel GOOD. Meh. Plus, the food element of Thanksgiving is a stressor as well. My family is completely supportive of my healthy eating habits, and are all healthy themselves, so THEY won’t be too much of a problem – it’ll be ME that’s my own worst enemy. Lots of delicious food = a test of willpower, that’s for sure. I’ll come up with a game plan before Thanksgiving day to make sure I’m as mentally prepared as possible. Anyway, I know that’s stressing me out a bit, even though I haven’t consciously thought about it all that much, and in fact, on the surface, I’m actually truly looking forward to going home and seeing my family.

I love it when I get the urge to binge and then spend an hour writing a blog post about it, which keeps my hands quite busy on the keyboard. Excellent. I almost don’t want to post this yet, because that will mean I’m done typing it, and then I’ll be like ooooh what’s that shiny thing in the kitchen? OMG ITS SOMETHING CALLED FOOD NOM NOM NOM. The night isn’t over, and I don’t feel like I’m completely out of the water yet. But I feel better now than when I first started typing this, so that’s good. However, I still feel guilty for eating those extra points to begin with – even though I SHOULD feel effing AMAZING that I nipped this binge in the bud. That’s such a big deal for me! I should NOT feel guilty. Ugh, but I still do. Someone shake me. I’m being an idiot (BAH there I go again with the demeaning “stupid” talk). Tell me that I haven’t blown it, and that I should NOT eat more. I know I shouldn’t!

Time to make myself some tea.

Thanks for reading, guys.

EDIT: Tea and a good magazine, along with some world of warcraft (obviously, not all at once. =P). Just the ticket to relaxing on a Friday night.